Three months ago, a little part of my heart was stolen. We are now 1/4 of the way through the first year of grief.
I miss you Pixel!
Tag Archive: Pixel
Today has been a trying day for me.
I have been eagerly awaiting all summer for the photo’s that the hospital took of Pixel. They would be bittersweet because it would be the last things we got of his. (We have already gotten the bills :/)
Next Friday would be three months since Pixel’s birth, and since I hadn’t heard anything from the hospital, I decided to call them today.
I called L&D who passed me off to someone else who put me on hold for 45 minutes. I don’t normally stay on hold that long, but I just put it on speakers and got lost on facebook until I realized I was still getting hold music.
So I hung up and called the Hospitals information line instead. The lady there answered the phone and was so nice. She had a stillbirth as well and knew how much those photos meant. She didn’t put me on hold unless she absolutely had to. She talked to a co-worker, her supervisor, and finally the supervisor of L&D. She passed me back off to the supervisor on L&D.
The supervisor basically told me that the lost their camera a few weeks ago, so she couldn’t look at it, but since the photos were taken almost three months ago, they should have already been processed. They couldn’t find any of them. The nurse who took the photos (Hubby took such great notes I know all of the details :P), called in sick tonight and wouldn’t be back until next week.
So basically, the hospital has lost the last photos ever taken of Pixel.
This is heartbreaking for me even though I have a lot of photos because we didn’t take a lot of photos after they cleaned him up and dressed him because we were told we would get the photos from them. (kicking myself right now).
I am hoping that we get better news next week when the supervisor is suppose to call me back, but I don’t want to get my hopes up in case it doesn’t work out.
I wish I was just holding my boy instead of dealing with his last photos. :*(
I can’t believe that it has been that long.
10 weeks ago, I was in the hospital being induced to deliver our stillborn son. He should have been due tomorrow.
I have been thinking of Pixel a lot lately. Wondering whether he would have been an easy baby or a hard baby. Whether we would have taken to breast feeding easily or not. Wondering what color his eyes would have been, and what color hair he would have had.
I feel gypped. I should be having trouble sleeping because I am so pregnant I can’t move or because I have a newborn. Instead I am having trouble sleeping because I don’t have any of that.
I know a lot of the reason I have had a rough week is because of Pixel’s due date coming up tomorrow. It was a date that we had looked forward to for 6 months. It was our countdown date and was suppose to be an important date for us. Instead it is now just another date. I am ready for tomorrow to just be over and I know that I am the one who put an emotional attachment on it. After this year, my attachment will be May 31, the day we met and said goodbye.
We have gone through a lot of changes this summer and we have a lot more changes to go through as we resettle our lives into our new normal after the life and death of our son.
We have made it through 10 weeks. 42 more weeks until we finish the hardest year as everyone says. My next milestone to make it through is the holidays.
This has been a very rough week. We are coping, but there are little things that make us hurt. One of the things we had been trying to cope with is now done. We have officially packed up all of the items that were given to us for Pixel. It was emotionally hard, but it was healing at the same time. (If that makes sense). It was hard because we had expected to need to use the items soon. Healing because we are putting them away for next baby, whenever baby arrives. We decided not to give any thing away because even though Pixel was with us for 7 months, none of the items we got were tied to him. I am at a loss as to how to explain it, but it is nice knowing that we will have stuff for next baby even if we wait until after baby is born to buy anything.
We talked to the fertility clinic and we have been benched for at least 3 months. We will be able to try another cycle in September at the earliest. We might wait a little longer after that, but we haven’t completely decided when we will try again. We did talk and decide that we would try 3 more times and if that doesn’t work, we might look into adoption. This is all down the road, but for us it helps to look forward. We are waiting until my postpartum appointment with Dr. Sinclair to see exactly what Pixel had and if there is anything we can do to try to prevent the cephalic disorder. I know we cannot do anything to prevent the amniotic bands except for having more ultrasounds and the pricier ones that give more definition of baby. We are also thinking about possibly buying a doppler so we can listen to baby every day or so. Next pregnancy will be hard and we probably won’t feel completely comfortable about it until we actually see our baby and hear it cry. I keep telling myself not to think about it and that it is down the road.
We also bought our tickets to go to California for Kendra and Lee’s wedding. We had originally only planned on leaving on Thursday and coming back Monday. Now we have decided to leave Wednesday and come home the following Friday. This gives us more time to spend with family and friends and we are hoping will help in the grief process. I still have a hard time talking about Pixel without crying, but I am getting better. Now I just tear up, but can still talk instead of not being able to talk at all.
~S
We found out Wednesday May 30 at our regular doctor’s appointment that Pixel had died in the womb. By noon we were at home trying to make decisions we never thought we would have to make. We spent time calling immediate family members to let them know and had them let other family members know of the loss. Every phone call became a little harder because it was finally sinking in that we would never bring our baby home alive. We are absolutely thankful that we had our Midwife Carol to help support us. She came over on Wednesday night and talked with us about what to expect at the hospital and asked us what our plans were for after the birth. I think that if we didn’t have Carol, we would have been a complete mess at the hospital trying to do everything. Carol took care of all the funeral home arrangements for the cremation and helped fill out as much paperwork as she could so we didn’t have to worry about things.
Carol recommended that we each take Benadryl that night so we would get some sleep before the delivery. We both took Benadryl and went to bed. We didn’t get into bed until around midnight and Darrell slept until I woke him up around 5:45am. Unfortunately, it didn’t work that well for me and I was awake at 3:30am and not able to go back to sleep. I spent my morning cleaning the kitchen, taking a long shower and writing to Pixel. We left for the hospital by 6:20am. This was the weather outside when we left – nice and cloudy just like we felt:
I also took one last belly shot before we left so we would have a picture of how big Pixel and I had gotten. I was officially at 29 weeks 6 days pregnant. However, we believe that we lost Pixel around 29 weeks 2 days.
When we got to the Hospital, we went up to Labor and Delivery and checked in. They asked us like 5 questions and then took us to a room. They put us in the room by 6:45 and left. I got changed into the hospital gown and then Darrell and I sat around not knowing what to do and just in a kind of lost state. I think I was a little unbelieving that we were in the hospital to deliver and going through an induction.
This was the hospital room before everything got going.
My Mom and Grandma Radke had flown into Dallas on Wednesday night and then rented a car to drive to Abilene. They stayed at the hotel across the street from the hospital. I had texted them when we left for the hospital and they arrived around 7:15am. We were still just sitting around waiting for the nurse to get the induction started.
The nurses finally came in to discuss what was going to happen and get my IV started around 7:30am. The day nurse was Karen and she was amazing! The IV nurse was Debbie and she was nice. I only saw her when she put in my IV. My left hand is usually the better side for that, but she put the IV in and then the veins wouldn’t take the fluid, so she had to switch and do my right hand. I have bruises on both hands from it, but it is because I bruise easily. Once she got the IV in, it was about an hour before I couldn’t feel it. Darrell got a little queasy watching the IV go in, so he had to drink some water and take a step back for a minute.
We finally had the IV in and were ready to start the induction. I had to wait a little bit, but Dr. Sinclair came in just before 8am to start the induction. The induction was done with Cytotec. Dr. Sinclair put two 50mg tablets of Cytotec up by my cervix to start the labor. We asked about how long it would take and he said some only take one dose, most have to take two doses. He would be back around noon to see how I was doing and give me the second dose if I needed it. I figured that Baby would be uncooperative this time just like he had been the rest of the pregnancy, so I knew I would be in for a second dose.
Karen came in to check and see how I was doing around 9 am and asked how my pain was. They had a little chart with some smiley faces on it. I told her I was at a 0.25. She told me that I have to stick to whole numbers. Throughout the morning and early afternoon, I kept giving her non-whole numbers. I joked around that I would tell her that I was at a 7/2. She laughed each time and decided she would just look at the chart and my face to determine where I was. I made a point to put on a happy face every time she asked. 🙂
Our midwife Carol showed up around 10:30 (we think). She spent a good portion of the day with us. She also went out and got Darrell some breakfast so he would eat. Like I said earlier, I don’t know what we would have done without her.
Then we spent a lot of time waiting. Not much happened. We just talked about nothing and everything. Dr. Sinclair came in at noon to see how I was doing. I was between 1-2 cm dilated and 20% effaced. Still had a long ways to go, so in went the second dose. He said he would be back at 4 to see how I was doing. At that time, I became pretty positive that I was going to need a third dose. I had been having small contractions, but they weren’t anywhere near what I had been told to expect for labor. Our friend Kelly came by just after noon to hang out for awhile. Mom and Grandma went down to the cafeteria for lunch. Darrell didn’t want to leave, so he just stayed in the room with me.
Darrell and I had to fill out a couple forms for the Funeral home while we were waiting.
We had posted on this blog about Pixel’s death that morning. I had written it on Wednesday, but Darrell wanted to read it before we actually posted it. We then spent some time wondering if we should post to Facebook as we had been posting nursery photos a couple days prior to the appointment. We decided to post and we got many well wishes and condolences. It was nice hearing our phones go off and knowing that it was another friend or relative sending their support. We love all of you and are grateful for the support that helped us get through the hospital stay.
We also got flowers from some relatives. They made us sad and happy at the same time. The nurse kept joking that every time she went back to the desk there was another delivery waiting for us.
At 3:45 pm, I got up to go to the bathroom, and some of my amniotic fluid ran down my leg. We let Dr. Sinclair and Karen know when they came in at 4 for my third dose of Cytotec. I was still only about 2 cm dilated, and 50% effaced. I was starting to think I wouldn’t deliver until around midnight. That was also the most painful dose as the pill kept getting stuck to the doctor’s glove and so it took awhile to finish. I say it felt like 5 minutes, but Darrell said it was only like 1.5 minutes. It hurt so bad. Karen then asked me to lift my bottom so she could straighten out the pad under me. I was in so much pain that I actually growled at her. Mom and Karen laughed because that meant that the Cytotec was really starting to kick in.
After the third dose, I sent everyone down to the cafeteria to get some food. Darrell went down very reluctantly and then came back up to eat. He had found ribs with some beans and carrots. He enjoyed the ribs and beans, but not the carrots. It smelt wonderful to me, but I hadn’t eaten since 8:30 pm the night before. Karen brought me a popsicle. I don’t remember what type, but it was ok. Once Darrell finished eating, we laid down and “cuddled” (about as well as you can with a  hospital bed – Darrell sat on a chair next to the bed with his head next to me) while listening to music. I was trying to rest because it was still going to be a long night.
I was trying to doze but the pain levels were definitely increasing. When Karen came to check on me around 5:45 or so, I asked if I could do a half dose of the Nubain so that I could rest but still feel the contractions. She consented and I got my half dose. About half an hour later, we were just dozing off and then my water broke. Lots of water everywhere. We had to change things three times there was that much water. Karen then checked on me and I was 80% effaced, but still only 3 cm dilated. We were also sad that Karen was leaving at 7 when her shift ended. We were hoping the night nurse was going to be just as caring.
At 6:45, my contractions started getting really hard. I was starting to have 3 in less than 5 minutes. They were just waves upon waves. My Mom and Grandma were talking me through the breathing and everything since I hadn’t made it quite that far in the books nor had we started any kind of classes. At this time, I opted for a full dose of Nubain so I could sleep. I did actually end up falling asleep and not feeling the contractions. My Mom said that they watched me and could tell when I was having a contraction because my chest would start heaving and then slow down as the contraction subsided. While I was asleep, the day shift ended and the night shift began. Vikki was our new nurse and she was just as nice and caring. I was asleep until about 7:35pm. At that time, I woke up to the feeling of baby coming out. We called for the nurse and she barely had time to put on gloves before Pixel made his entrance. Dr. Sinclair was on his way since I was getting close to time for a fourth dose. He arrived right after the nurses cut the umbilical cord and was able to deliver the placenta. We had to ask the nurses what Pixel’s gender was. They had no idea that we didn’t know, so they were a little dumbfounded at first. Dr. Sinclair also was able to tell us immediately what had happened which was nice as we weren’t stuck wondering.
So at 7:40 pm on May 31, 2012, I delivered our son Pixel. We got to spend as much time with him as we wanted.
Little hands and little feet:
When we were finally ready to say goodbye, the nurses came in to weigh him, clean him up and get some of the photos they normally do for him. They asked us if we would like them to remove him from the room while they do it and we said we would prefer they do what they can in the room so he wouldn’t be off somewhere by himself.
After they had removed Pixel to go get the photos (they had to do that next door), they brought me some food. It was more what I figured hospital food would be like.
After this, we met with the Funeral Home lady, Elizabeth. She let us know what they were going to do and gave us her condolences. We opted not to have them bring Pixel back after they had taken him from the room. It was a little sad and heartbreaking for us, but I don’t think I could have let him go if they brought him back. Dr. Sinclair had given us the option to go home that night or to wait until the next day. We opted to go home that night. Pixel finally left the hospital around 10:30pm. I had to sit around waiting for my RhoGam shot. Since I was still in Labor and Delivery, they didn’t know that they needed to draw another vial of blood before the pharmacy would release the shot. So I had my arm pricked once again. I laid down and got some sleep after they let me change back into my own clothes while I was waiting. Finally around 12:30 am, they came in and gave me the RhoGam shot and had me sign all the release papers. (Luckily it was only three of them.) I was wheeled out of labor and delivery to the car and was going home by around 1 am.
It has been a very long week as we are still coping with the loss of our son, but we know that time will heal. We have put our guest room furnishings in the room we painted so that it isn’t sitting there waiting for something as a reminder to us. We haven’t gotten around to packing things up yet, but we will probably do that this weekend. Carol went to the funeral home and picked up Pixel and brought him home yesterday, so our son is finally home with us.
Thank you all so much for your kindness, support, love and well wishes. We are working our way through this hard time.
Love always,
~Sharyn & Darrell