This last week has been all over the place for me feelings wise. There have been a few big emotional changes and while they aren’t bad, they still hurt.
Sad & Anxious:
About a week ago, we transitioned Edward from the co-sleeper in our room to his crib in the nursery. I always thought I would have my baby in the room with me until he was at least 6 months old if not older. What changed for us was the 4-month sleep regression. Edward was getting up every two hours again after a few nights of sleeping through the night. He would wake up fussing and it would wake me up so I would feed him and go back to bed. It was definitely making one tired momma. I started just letting him fuss a little bit to see if he would put himself back to sleep and he would. But he was still fussing every two hours which was waking me up. We decided to move him to his crib to see if we would sleep any better. It definitely worked. The first two days, I only had to get up to feed him twice during the night. Then it dropped down to only once a night. Last night he finally slept all the way through. A full 12 hours. He did move and do a little fussing around 1am, but he put himself back to sleep in 2-3 minutes. I am hoping the sleeping through the night continues. It has been hard for me though. Now, instead of waking up in the morning and rolling over to see him, I have to turn on the monitor (we leave the volume on, but turn off the video part at night). We still have the co-sleeper set up next to our bed, but now it is where the monitor sits instead of where the baby lays. It makes me sad because it is a visual of the fact that he is growing up. There are still nights and early mornings when he has been sleeping quietly for awhile that one of us has a small anxiety attack and has to go into the nursery just to make sure he is still breathing.
Guilty:
October is Pregnancy/Infant Loss awareness month. Last year I spent the month of October doing the Capture Your Grief photo challenge. I did each day and it helped me be open and thinking of Pixel while I was starting my journey with Edward. I saw the prompt late last month for Capture Your Grief this year. I read through the prompts and none of them really called out to me. I felt as though I was handling my loss well and having Edward has helped a little bit. There are still times where I see things Edward is doing and I wonder how Pixel would have done them. The only prompt for the month that I was going to do was on October 15th when there is a wave of light and people light a candle for lost babies at 7pm their local time. That was something I loved to do. I enjoyed lighting Pixel’s candle and spending an evening looking at it and remembering my firstborn. However, I forgot. One of our friend’s had a birthday party for her little boy and so we spent the evening over there celebrating and hanging out. We got home really late and so we just went to bed. It wasn’t until the next morning that I remembered. And I only remembered because I got on facebook and a lot of the baby loss mom’s posted pictures of their candles. I felt guilty that I had forgotten one of the days that I want to remember and honor Pixel. A part of me thinks I am being irrational because I honor and remember him a lot (granted it has been a little less since Edward was born). I felt bad that I haven’t lit Pixels candle for him since Mother’s Day. We took the candle with us to the Birth Center for Edward’s birth, but we never lit it. It also melted a little in the car so it is a little lopsided right now. I am working through this guilty feeling by reminding myself that he is remembered and I do look at his photos occasionally and I cry for him. His ashes and mementos are in a cupboard in our living room but I haven’t gotten them out in awhile to feel and hold. I did Edwards footprints last month and was reminded of Pixels itty-bitty feet that weren’t as chubby.
Happy & Excited:
Edward has been hitting so many milestones this month and I am happy and excited to see each and everyone of them. He has mastered sucking on his big toe (only when he is having Nakey time though), he has rolled from back to front (but is still working on getting his arm out from underneath him), He has started to try a few solids, he follows the cats and people with his eyes, he interacts with other children (well… really just laughs hysterically at them), and is moving toys from one hand to another hand to his mouth. This little boy is growing up and is most likely going to be a mover soon.
Jealous:
There were a lot of pregnancies around us with Pixel and Edward. I read some birth boards because I get bored and need something to do while Edward is nursing. There are a few mom’s on the June 2013 birth board who are pregnant again and due either shortly before or after their little ones turn one. I know Darrell and I want another one and are going to try once Edward is weaned. It just makes me jealous that we have to wait until he is weaned so we can go on the fertility drugs again and we will never have an ‘oops’ baby. This is just fleeting jealousy. Just like my jealousy of those with twins. I feel as though I had the chance for twins and lost them. I am working through it and it isn’t where I can’t be around people who are pregnant or have twins, but occasionally I wonder what our lives would have been had both Pixel and Bit survived. Guess it is just the ‘what if’ game.
