This is a question I have been asked many, many times by random people who we run into. The waitress at the restaurant, the checkout guy at the grocery store, the bus drivers, they are all just trying to make small talk and it seems like a safe question.
The only issue is that it isn’t always a safe question. Sometimes it is painful. There are many people out there who have lost a child and this question is a tough one. There are two ways I could answer it:
1.) I can say ‘yes’. This, however, makes me feel guilty that I am denying the fact that I carried and delivered another son.
2.) I can say ‘no’. This leads to other questions starting with “How old is your other one?” This makes it into an awkward situation because if I say that he died, then they either feel guilty for asking or they ask what happened.
When I was pregnant, it depended on how I was mentally feeling that day. If I was feeling ok about things, then I didn’t leave Pixel out. If my emotions were on high and I wouldn’t be able to handle the looks you get (because when you mention a dead baby, there is a certain glaze of sorrow that someone automatically gets) then I say yes and mentally remember Pixel.
Now that Edward is here, I find myself getting asked more and more often and I hated have just the generic two answers. I have changed my response in the last few months. When I am asked this question now, I always respond “He’s my first laughing one.” This leaves it up to interpretation on the other end and leaves it up to me on my mood. Then I am never leaving Pixel out of the equation but I don’t always have to go into the ‘how’. I have definitely become more open to the fact that I have lost a child and I always mention my first born. It makes me feel like he isn’t forgotten and it is a way for me to share him.
Even though I know how much this question can cause pain, I still find myself saying it and I am trying to catch myself before I do. It’s just another change in my life after Pixel that I am dealing with.