I can’t believe that it has been that long.
10 weeks ago, I was in the hospital being induced to deliver our stillborn son. He should have been due tomorrow.
I have been thinking of Pixel a lot lately. Wondering whether he would have been an easy baby or a hard baby. Whether we would have taken to breast feeding easily or not. Wondering what color his eyes would have been, and what color hair he would have had.
I feel gypped. I should be having trouble sleeping because I am so pregnant I can’t move or because I have a newborn. Instead I am having trouble sleeping because I don’t have any of that.
I know a lot of the reason I have had a rough week is because of Pixel’s due date coming up tomorrow. It was a date that we had looked forward to for 6 months. It was our countdown date and was suppose to be an important date for us. Instead it is now just another date. I am ready for tomorrow to just be over and I know that I am the one who put an emotional attachment on it. After this year, my attachment will be May 31, the day we met and said goodbye.
We have gone through a lot of changes this summer and we have a lot more changes to go through as we resettle our lives into our new normal after the life and death of our son.
We have made it through 10 weeks. 42 more weeks until we finish the hardest year as everyone says. My next milestone to make it through is the holidays.